LET’S MAKE A DEAL: staring Maryland State Prosecutor Charlton Howard

Today’s edition of Let’s Make a Deal staring Maryland State Prosecutor Charlton Howard is brought to you by the Maryland Association of Builders, Public Employee Unions, Big Tech, Gaming and Casino Operators, Cannabis Industry & Assorted Special Interests who work around the clock to feather their own nests, bribe public officials and endeavor to subvert honest operations of government at all levels.

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Season Two
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Episode #2
Episode #3Episode #4
Episode #5Episode #6

Response from Office of State Prosecutor

Today’s edition of Let’s Make a Deal staring Maryland State Prosecutor Charlton Howard is brought to you by the Maryland Association of Builders, Public Employee Unions, Big Tech, Gaming and Casino Operators, Cannabis Industry & Assorted Special Interests who work around the clock to feather their own nests, bribe public officials and endeavor to subvert honest operations of government at all levels.

BY KEN ROSSIGNOL
THE CHESAPEAKE TODAY

HOWARD: Let’s meet our first contestant, James DiPaula.

DIPAULA: “Please, call me Chip; all my friends call me Chip, well except for my former friends, the Republicans, who I threw under the bus when Martin O’Malley beat my boss in the race for Governor in 2006. “

HOWARD: “Tell us a little bit about yourself, Chip. “

DIPAULA: “I love to talk about myself, Charlton. Can I call you ”Chuck”? “

HOWARD: “No. “

DIPAULA: “I’m an overachiever, and I want to be the first former Republican to become Governor after admitting to masterminding a deal to steal millions of dollars from my employer before becoming Governor heck, the others all do it after becoming Governor. “

HOWARD: “That’s great stuff, Chip; what about your personal life?”

DIPAULA: “I promised my pal at the Washington Post to only talk about my personal life in interviews with him.”

HOWARD: “That’s okay, Chip, but do you really think that helps get you the plea deal before anyone else?”

DIPAULA: “Yes, besides, all the other crooked stuff I did is past the statute of limitations when I was the Budget Director and gave Michael White $100 grand of taxpayer money for earned but unpaid funds when the Maryland State Police suspended him. To put it simply, I stole more than anyone in Maryland history by robbing Compass Marketing of hundreds of millions in trade secrets. Dan White and Mike White are simply pikers; they only clipped their brother’s company for five million. I got more and created Flywheel, and I deserve the best plea deal. Besides, I can fork over the UK company and a Chinese spy who has been sleeping with a Congressman from Maryland.”

HOWARD: “Thanks Chip, now let’s meet our next contestant, Assistant United States Attorney Julie White, formerly Assistant States Attorney in St. Mary’s County. How are you, Julie?”

JULIE WHITE: “Fine, Chuck, it’s a real pleasure to be on your show. LET’S MAKE A DEAL.”

HOWARD: “It’s great to meet you, Julie; I wonder if you are busy after the show and we could go out for a drink, but don’t call me ‘Chuck.’ Now, let’s get right down to why you should be the one to get the best plea deal.”

JULIE WHITE: “Is that Charlton name like the actor Charlton Heston? He was my favorite, especially when he did the commercials for the NRA. Well, to answer your questions, yes, we can go out for a while, in fact, I have a suite at the Ritz Carlton for the week. We can go there. I was a ghost employee of Compass Marketing; thus, just like the Invisible Man, I could go to meetings, take dictation, observe secret materials of our customers, spy on government regulators and do all the things that competent Ghost Employees can do unobserved due to the fact that I was a ghost. And at the same time, I picked up a paycheck from the taxpayers of St. Mary’s County as a fulltime Assistant States Attorney where my principal duty was making sure that all the plea deals agreed to between Dan Slade and my boss Dan White got properly handled. I don’t know how I would ever have gotten all that work done if my Danny didn’t whisk me away to the Caribbean once in a while for a cozy vacation at Secrets.”

HOWARD: “Why do you need a plea deal, Julie, aren’t the DOJ guys and the US Attorney in West Virginia covering for you?”

JULIE WHITE: “Charlton, dear, you know you can’t trust a Fed. Should I order us a midnight snack?”

HOWARD: “Julie, I want some of that Russian caviar.”

HOWARD: Now let’s meet our next contestant, Patrick Miller of Flywheel and formerly of Compass Marketing.

MILLER: “Hi, Mr. Howard.

HOWARD: “Patrick, you are not eligible as you already confessed to deconstructing the algorithms of Amazon and stealing the trade secrets of Compass Marketing in at least one self-aggrandizing interview. No deal for you, cuff this guy and get him out of here, Mr. Frye.”

TIM FRYE: “Yes sir, right this way to the paddy wagon, dirtbag.”

HOWARD: “Our next contestant is Maryland State Police Lt. George White. Lt. White, how are you, and what do you think makes you eligible to be the very first one to get a plea deal and leave all the rest of the contestants to do hard time for their misdeeds and high crimes?”

LT. GEORGE WHITE: “They call me The Untouchable, at least they did until my dear old Uncle Mike Miller died; I sure miss him, he ordered the Maryland State Police to hire me, rush me through the academy, and assign me to be his driver. It was a great life; I drove his kids to Ocean City and got to hang around the boardwalk gobbling down bucket after bucket of Thrasher’s fries, all while I was racking up overtime. I have all the dirt on the high command of the State Police; why do you think they put out those glowing press releases to anyone who wants to know why I haven’t been put on suspension for running a money-laundering joint disguised as garage poker with cops and lawyers as our exclusive clientele. That’s why THE RAG calls me Concierge George; that’s my job, to put out the steak sandwiches, pour the Makers Mark and provide cigars while they all work to go up on the Points Leader Board and try to make it to the Final Table Tournament and the big buy-in.”

HOWARD: Lt. White, may I call you George?”

LT. WHITE: “Yes, of course, Chuck.”

HOWARD: “What time does the Garage Poker start on Friday night, I think I’d like to sit in for the night, in the interest of research, of course, but also I would like a beach house like Mike’s at Duck. George, are you ready to flip on the high command of the State Police? What about that guy Jerry Jones, was he brought in to break up the good old boy system in the MSP? You know that guy Hogan appointed me, but he had to as I was the top pick of the selection commission. I wondered how a guy from the Toll Bridge Police got to the top job in the MSP. It seems like it was to break up the old crowd running the show left behind by Mike Miller and Mike Busch.”

LT. WHITE: “Don’t worry, Chuck, I have dirt on those Baltimore politicians, the Speaker, the Senate President; they all have a lot to worry about if I go down. You make me the winner of LET’S MAKE A DEAL, and I will keep your squad of auditors and investigators busy drawing up indictments for the next six months – just in time for a new crowd of politicians to get elected and have their turn at swindling, stealing and raping the taxpayers of Maryland.”

HOWARD: “Okay, you make a good case, George, we now have our first contestant go to the BONUS ROUND. Now for our next contestant, Judge Michael White. Now tell us, Judge White, why did you get the nickname Chop Shop Mike?”

MICHAEL WHITE: “I am your best choice, your best friend forever, and while my brother Dan thinks he is so smart, just a big smartypants, I really hate him more than John, all those millions we stole from John who was too trusting and too stupid to bring in outside CPAs and trusted Dan and me to watch things. Dan was running around playing like he’s a Mormon with that Big Love thing going on with his gal stashed next door to his house, like that, was so HBOish from ten years ago, what a schmuck, I can’t believe I schemed with him for 15 years to rip off John. To put it simply, Mr. Howard, I know where the money is, I have been hiding it in secret bank accounts of Orphans in banks all over the State of Maryland. Do you know how many Orphans I have met since first being elected Judge of the Orphans Court in 2014? More than I can count, but I get their info and appoint myself their Executor and open accounts that only I have access to and that’s where I hide the money, I steal from Compass Marketing. It’s even better than laundering the money through the IRS, boy, they never saw that one coming. Those nimrods at the IRS would never have caught on to that one if it wasn’t for the one little life insurance renewal. There, you have it all, give me THE DEAL.”

HOWARD: “We have another BONUS ROUND participant, folks, Judge Mike, take your place next to your son. Now we have our last contestant, DEPUTY STATES ATTORNEY DAN WHITE. Dan, the Man! How are you?”

DANIEL WHITE: “Mr. Howard, you have taken up enough of my time making me listen to all this slobbering baloney from my brother Mike, he should have gone to jail twenty years ago; his coconspirator did. I have brought a thumb drive of all the crooked stuff that Rick Fritz has done over the years. Make me a deal, or I’ll shop it around. Maybe Jaymi Sterling might like it. You can reach me on my cell phone, I’ll be on my sportfishing boat waiting for your answer.”

MICHAEL WHITE: “That’s my boat, you thief.”

DANIEL WHITE: “Ha, I had the title put in my name, you know there is no honor among thieves.”

TUNE IN AGAIN FOR THE NEXT EPISODE OF LET’S MAKE A DEAL!

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