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TRADE SECRETS THEFT SAGA: LET’S MAKE A DEAL NEW SEASON 2023 WHACK A MOLE
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. America, and all the Ships at Sea! Welcome to the 2023 season of LET’S MAKE A DEAL starring the Maryland Players and hosted by the Maryland State Prosecutor CHARLTON T. HOWARD III. Let’s have a big hand for Charlton!
HOWARD: “We are standing outside the St. Mary’s County Circuit Courthouse. Later today, Maryland Governor Larry Hogan will swear into office his daughter, the newly elected St. Mary’s County States Attorney Jaymi Sterling.
“Today marks the last hours of the reign of Richard Fritz as States Attorney, and he leaves a legacy unmatched in Maryland’s Culture of Corruption. St. Mary’s County voters kept putting Fritz back into office but, in 2022, gave a landslide to Sterling. Voters made up for their political housekeeping by electing a Sheriff with a criminal background of serving time in jail for violent assault. Trading off Fritz for Convict Sheriff Steve Hall, who was never charged by Fritz with reckless endangerment for leading a shooting practice session that landed live rounds in an infant’s nursery, keeps the reputation of St. Mary’s County voters intact for being close to complete imbeciles. Now, let’s get on with today’s show.”
“First, we have former Deputy States Attorney Dan White, who wants a chance to take all of the Grand Prize home with him this year, but he has stiff competition from his alleged partner in Trade Secrets Theftalloza JAMES C. “CHIP” DIPAULA.”
DAN WHITE: “Hey there, kiddos, I am really the smartest one up here today; I have proved my guileless and genuine authenticity at the leveraging of legal nuances and slipfoollery in concocting enough situational slippery sloppiness to keep a bevy of law clerks to Judge Russell busy for six months. Now a special team of researchers has been contracted from the National Archives to find historical precedence for Judge Russell to come up with a ruling in that silly litigation being brought against us by Compass Marketing and my brother John. Nobody understands the path of juris imprudence I have laid out in the path of documents, contracts, and fake accounts used to control all the money made by Compass, how we set up Flywheel Digital and then flummoxed those boring old goats at Ascential into letting us swipe up to a billion bucks from the stockholders of their firm. Somebody had to get even for the Hudson Bay Company, and I am just the man to do it. I am so proud of my work that I will ask myself for my own autograph.”
JUDGE MIKE WHITE: Judge me, Judge me not, but I am innocent of anything, including those chop shop stuff that my codefendant was convicted of twenty years ago. We Whites have a great track record, we learned at the knee of our Godfather Mike Miller, and it sure is a shame he croaked and isn’t here to enjoy watching our ascendancy into the upper realms of politics and finance. I know Uncle Mike Miller is up there in Miller High Life Heaven, smiling at seeing all of his old friends enjoying success, and I don’t think it’s fair that we have to pay part of our earnings to his kids. They didn’t do anything to earn our payments, yet here we are.
HOWARD: “Don’t get carried away there, Judge Michael White; we will get a crack at you when the Judicial Disabilities Commission files their charges against you, and you just might be eating an entire buffet line of crow, isn’t that right, Mr. Chief Investigator Frye?”
FRYE: “Yes, boss.”
JULIE WHITE: “How come I am stuck out here in West Virginia; I thought I was going to get a new identity and put in Witness Protection for flipping on Dan. What gives?”
HOWARD: “Hold on to your horses, babe, we have an entirely new team of crooks coming into office with the Democrats in the Wes Moore Administration and nobody can steal public funds and cook up corrupt deals like Democrats. The Republicans try hard, but they are too busy hanging around country clubs and drinking tea with their pinky fingers stuck up in the air instead of drinking hard liquor straight like real men. Yep, no grasshoppers for the Democrats like those fruity drinks favored by those weirdos hanging out with Flywheel and those tuxedo twits. They will commit crimes we can unravel and place charges that will stick. Who the hell understands what DiPaula and his pals have done? We can’t understand Chinese; how can we be expected to figure out stuff?”
G. STEWART WEBB: “Look here, Charlton, we are the smartest lawyers in the world at Venable, and I know you are just jealous because you were never allowed to be in our club. I want to put you on notice that we will prevail in Federal Court and look with disdain upon any action you try to take against our clients.
HOWARD: “Do I have to address by “G’ before your name, Mr. Webb?”
G. STEWART WEBB: “Don’t try to get chummy with me, Charlton; we don’t have 800 attorneys in our firm for nothing. I don’t need to be friends with you, just whip you and leave you writhing in the mud.”
HOWARD: “Hold on there, big boy, I haven’t brought any charges, yet, against your clients. But I have spent years chasing deadbeat dads all around Maryland, so I think I know how to do what needs to be done when the time comes.”
G. STEWART WEBB: “Oops, my bad, I was just rehearsing to be ready to handle that affirmative action appointment of a Federal Judge. What a lightweight, and if he doesn’t rule in our favor, I am going to demand a recount.”
HOWARD: “Recount? Don’t you mean an appeal to the Fourth Circuit?”
G. STEWARD WEBB: “Hell no, don’t you know how his clerks decide who gets to write the decision for Judge Russell? He can’t do it; he is too busy taking his wife on trips and playing golf. The clerks throw darts on a big dart board in the chambers, and the loser has to write an opinion. That’s why I’ll file for a recount.”
RICHARD FRITZ: “Don’t I get to have a chance at the grand prize?”
HOWARD: “Hell no, Fritz, we all saw your campaign commercials. You go down as the biggest loser of 2022. Mr. Frye, don’t you have a subpoena for Fritz?”
CHIP DIPAULA: “I am a resident of Florida now, and I burned all my notes about the University of Maryland Medical Systems meetings in which I participated. I am now the CEO of a dozen international companies and spend countless hours in the air flying from hither to dither. Or is it to and fro? I have someone who keeps up with stuff for me now; there is so much for me to know.”
HOWARD: “Weren’t you put in charge of UMMS to clean up the corruption of Mayor Pugh and the Democrats and that Healthy Holly Scandal?
CHIP DIPAULA: “When the Democrats put their hands in the pockets of taxpayers, it was easier to figure out racetracks, savings, and loans, insurance but that bunch at the UMMS system were smart enough to hide crime in children’s coloring books stashed in Baltimore warehouses. Next time they’ll use textbooks for Baltimore City schools, no one will ever crack a book in Crack City, but I digress.”